She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize