I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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