He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
