Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
