Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize