Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
