regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
