Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
