I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
