he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
