were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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