Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
