just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
