Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
