remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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