dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
