Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
