Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
