Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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