once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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