Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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