I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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