I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
