she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
