DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
