I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
