Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
