I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
