Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
