Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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