I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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