Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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