Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
