Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
