Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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