So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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