call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
