Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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