just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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