3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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