Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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