I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
