I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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