So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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