well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
