i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
