Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
