How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
