the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
