Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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