You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
