The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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