my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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