Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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