i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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