You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize