If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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