My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
