All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
