dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize