Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
